If you think about the times when you feel your absolute sexiest and most powerful, what do you imagine? Are you giving it your all with your partner or enjoying a solo session with your favorite toy? Chances are you’re not worried about the dimples in your butt or how much you want to tone your arms. Unfortunately, however, this isn’t always the case for many people. When you’re in the heat of the sexual moment with your SO, the last thing you want on your mind is what your partner is thinking about the fat on your back or the cellulite on your thighs, or if he thinks your tummy is swelling. little too smooth. The reality, however, is that many plus-size people regularly deal with these intrusive thoughts and anxieties in the bedroom. For some, it can be very difficult to peak when you’re plus-size.
Feeling sexy and confident in the bedroom can be difficult for anyone, but those with larger bodies tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to sexual appreciation. Fatphobia is deeply rooted in society’s “standards” of beauty, which doesn’t exactly promote self-esteem for plus-size people. “Bigger people, fat people and plus-size people are still stigmatized in our world, so this can create mental disorders and anxiety when it comes to having sex,” Marla Renee Stewart. a sexologist, sex educator, and founder of Velvet Lips Sex Ed, tells Bustle. “There are a lot of things we can be aware of when it comes to our bodies; in particular, our stomachs, FUPAs and thick thighs, which may require some manipulation when riding high.”
Still, Stewart shares that riding your partner like a real cowgirl (or cowgirl) can be empowering and feel Really Good. “Being on top means being in control of our pleasure and how we move our bodies, so being on top helps us get perspective on where we’re going to get our pleasure,” she explains.
Of course, there are multiple intersecting factors that can challenge even the most dexterous plus-size people; let’s just say we don’t all have “Megan’s knees.” Regardless, riding your partner can be an extremely effective position for any body type, as long as you have some kinesthetic awareness. Elle Chase, intimacy coach and CSE sex educator, tells Bustle, “Any position that maximizes friction and pressure for the vulva/vagina will give you the best chance of orgasm. All that with the caveat that everyone is different. Orgasm is never a guarantee, but knowing how your body likes to do it is the first step to getting there.” If you’re fat and tired of struggling, here’s how to get to the top when you’re plus-size.
How getting to the top when you’re plus-size is different.
While the ultimate goal of getting to the top is the same for everyone, the physical requirements for riding are different for people with plus-size bodies, so it’s important to learn the best ways to work with your body. “For those of us with knee problems or any other physical issues, we often need to make adjustments to the way we get on top, and making them look sexy can be difficult at times, but it’s not impossible,” Stewart says. “Knowing your body’s limits and needs is a must, as well as being aware of your lover’s needs and sexual compatibility.” One considerably helpful way to discover the right angles and positions for your body, and feel sexy while using them, is to build your confidence in bed.
How to gain confidence to get to the top when you’re plus size.
For many years, it’s been easy to pick up a magazine and flip to a page of sexual confidence tips like, “Stand in front of a mirror, look at your body, and repeat these statements until you love it!” While that may work for some, it’s unlikely that everyone, especially people with larger bodies, who have historically been the butt of many jokes in media and entertainment, will always benefit from that practice.
So what really helps plus-size people feel confident when they’re on top? “Experience!” says Stewart. “Nothing helps better than practice, so you need to practice to gain insight into how your body works and how your lover’s body works to ensure everyone gets the pleasure they want.” Gaining this experience can involve practicing alone, with your partner, or finding resources to change your mindset around sexual confidence (Stewart recommends The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay, which he co-edited with sexologist Dr. Jess O’Reilly). Chase also emphasizes that regular masturbation practice is the best way to get to know your body and what you like, so you can more easily communicate it to your partner in and out of the bedroom.
Ways to make getting to the top even better when you’re plus-size.
If you’re feeling inspired to ride, experts say there are plenty of ways to make getting to the top more comfortable and enjoyable for everyone involved. “Make sure you create an environment that makes you feel good, as well as making sure you feel good and sexy about yourself,” Stewart says. Despite this, she also points out that the responsibility for making you feel like a sexual superstar shouldn’t just fall on you: “You also want to have a supportive lover when insecurities arise.”
For a practical solution to the physical challenges you might face as a plus-size person on top, Chase recommends supportive products like Pillo by Dame or Wedge by Liberator. “Placing these under the receiver’s hips raises them higher, which makes access much easier (especially for the reverse cowboy). Because these wedges are made of industrial foam, they don’t squish under pressure as regular pillows do,” he says. In addition, her book Sex with Curvy Girls: 101 Positive Body Positions to Boost Your Sex Life is a great resource of concrete tips and suggestions to try.
Outside of tangible resources to use, Chase says teaming up with your partner can alleviate physical discomfort or challenges you may encounter. “Because the receiver is primarily in charge of penetration, people with weak knees, legs, or backs may have difficulty holding themselves comfortably through your sustained movement. If this is the case, ask the donor to bend the knees so the recipient can use them for balance and resistance, or people might find that lowering their chest onto their partner’s thighs could do the trick,” he explains.
How to communicate with your partner about your concerns
Practicing alone or with your partner, using sex products, or trying different angles are great ways to help you feel confident about being on top when you have a bigger body, but nothing will be better than open and honest conversations with your partner. Chase says. “Sex is inelegant at best for everyone, [and] being able to give and receive instructions will go a long way toward putting you and your partner at ease. Our partners are not minded readers and can’t really know what we like without us letting them know,” she shares. No matter what, this level of openness requires full consent and consideration before anything else. “Also, communication always includes consent. Whether you’ve been together for 30 years or 30 minutes, making sure you’re both on the same page and enjoying the experience continuously through sex keeps that communication and always open,” Chase says.
If you want to open up this kind of dialogue with your partner, it’s a good idea not to do it between the sheets, according to Stewart. “Don’t do this in the bedroom,” he suggests. “Make sure you’re in a casual, comfortable setting and address your fears and discomfort there. Make sure you have some positive reinforcement for your lover(s) and connect with them about what you like about them. Talking about it will help you and they feel good about facing the situation and feel emotionally ready to fully enjoy yourself.”